you

“the privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”

- Carl Jung

A privilege yes, a journey of chaos sometimes? Absolutely. I would say the journey to be even the person that I am today has been one of trial and survival. I choose to see the positive side of things as much as humanly possible. I’d consider myself an optimistic realist. I’ve seen and experienced joy like I never imagined, pain and evil I couldn’t fathom, and the gambit that exists between the two. I’ve been the hero, the villain, the gambler, the liar, the angel on the shoulder, the safe place, the source of disaster, the warrior, the gardener, the list goes on.

But at the core, at the very center, I’ve been the same.

I’ve always been me. In different levels, letting a little of my soul out into the world to make sure it feels safe. And when it hasn’t felt safe those little pieces have retreated inside and hid waiting for someone to accept them. Silly me, so many years spent not realizing that the only person whose love and acceptance I really needed was my own. When it’s written out it really can sound like a person with split personalities arguing with themselves. But I truly believe that in a big way we are in a personal war between ourselves and everyone’s perceptions of us. After all, we all want to be loved and adored and needed in this life right? This is where the problem arises, we shift ourselves, ideas we have become less our own, our attitudes and moods are shifted by how we think we are perceived by others, we make decisions based on advice or nudging because we want other people to be proud of us or feel better. Meanwhile with every little chip chip chip away of our personal identity, we lose ourselves. We let others infiltrate and make their way into our hearts and minds and allow them to start pulling strings that affect us in larger ways than we could have ever imagined. Then it happens.

The bomb goes off.

The catastrophic reckoning of losing oneself.

Fuck.

What then?

Well, many options is what. Some let this point become their end. They decide nothing good can come from this state, they accept defeat. After all, nothing good can come from shit right? Well if you’ve ever gardened you know shit is a big part of growing healthy plants. So maybe we are all just hot house flowers, emotional human orchids that need shit in our lives to thrive. I only say this because I have grown a beautiful life from a lot of dung. I was raised in what would be considered less than ideal conditions. Abused, neglected, treated unfairly in many ways. That hurt runs deep but I refuse to let that flame destroy my will, and my right in this life to experience the greatest of love and the greatest of happiness.

This is me then, becoming me. Unbecoming everything else that’s happened, everything everyone else wanted or convinced me I wanted. It truly is a privilege, an honor, a gift to have the time and awareness to become more deeply me. One day at a time.

So, who are you?

M.